During my recent trip to Sagada from January 3-5, 2025, I had the privilege of meeting an amazing psychologist who shared an insightful perspective on my life. What started as a casual encounter turned into an impromptu consultation that left a profound impact on me. She recommended that I look up the term "parentified daughter," suggesting that it might resonate deeply with my experiences.
As I delved into the concept, it was like holding a mirror to my life. Growing up as the eldest child, I never truly experienced what it meant to be a teenager. My childhood was overshadowed by responsibilities that were beyond my years. My father worked abroad, and my mother was busy with her own career, leaving me to take on the role of a caretaker for my younger siblings from an early age.
Even as an elementary school student, I was tasked with ensuring my siblings returned home on time, completed their chores, and avoided conflict. It was a lot for a child to handle, but I didn’t question it—it was simply what was expected of me. My mother often reminded me to set a good example for my siblings because they were watching my every move. She would tell me that if I failed, whether in my studies or other aspects of life, it might set a precedent for my siblings to follow.
This instilled a deep fear of making mistakes. I carried the weight of being the “perfect” older sister, always striving to be a role model. This fear often manifested as self-repression. I am an introvert, spending most of my time at home. My social circle was limited to one or two close friends, and I rarely attended parties or social events. Even when invited, my inner voice would rationalize that there was no need to go since we already had food at home.
Looking back, I realize how much I’ve missed out on—moments of carefree joy, exploration, and simply being a teenager. My sense of responsibility, though commendable, came at the cost of my own personal growth and freedom.
After graduation, when I found a job in the city, I took care of my own expenses. When my siblings went to college, we rented a home where they resided with me. My parents provided their tuition fees and allowances, while I paid for the rest of the house expenses.
Aside from my 8-5 job, I often worked overtime and took on side hustles to afford the house expenses. When my brother graduated from college and secured a job, he took over providing our younger brother's allowance. My mother continued to pay the tuition fees, and I still covered the remaining household expenses.
Learning about the concept of a "parentified daughter" has been both enlightening and validating. It has helped me understand that my experiences are not unique but shared by many eldest daughters who find themselves in similar situations. This realization is the first step towards acknowledging the impact it has had on my life and, hopefully, finding ways to heal and reclaim parts of myself that I’ve suppressed for so long.
Meeting that psychologist in Sagada felt serendipitous. Her simple suggestion has opened a door to self-discovery, allowing me to confront and make sense of my past. If you’ve ever felt the burden of being an “unofficial parent” to your siblings, I encourage you to explore this concept as well. It might just bring you the clarity and peace you didn’t know you needed.
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